Because we decided we wouldn’t go public with our second pregnancy until I was in the second trimester, I wrote short entries in my phone’s notes section. We lost that baby at 8 weeks, but I want her remembered and her story shared.
May 17, 2018:
I found out I was pregnant for the second time on Tuesday, May 15th after five positive pregnancy tests. I’d been feeling tired, had a stuffy nose, and had heartburn late one night. I was amazed the tests were positive after feeling like I would never get to be pregnant again. I’m excited, but also so so scared. Scared I’ll lose this one too and be even more broken than before. I analyze every little symptom and wonder if it’s not strong enough and what that means for the baby. I don’t have cramps like I did last time, they’re only light and every so often now. My breasts also aren’t as incredibly tender as the first time. I do feel very dizzy, exhausted, congested, and just slightly off like right before you get a cold. All I want to eat is roast beef and all I want to do is sleep. I got home from school today, showered, ate, then passed out at 5:30 and slept until 10:30. I want to savor every single minute and record it all so I don’t forget. I want this baby to know how incredibly loved it was from the very beginning.
May 19, 2018:
I’m scared all of the time. All I want to do is hold my baby and tell her she is so very loved already. I talk to her every day and watch my belly for any signs of a little bump. I want more symptoms and to feel his life grow inside of me. I want her light to shine bright and to live.
May 21, 2018:
First midwife’s appointment today. Just blood test to confirm pregnancy, but it’s amazing what a different place I’m in from the last time I was in this office. Last time, I was emotionally fragile and bitter that all I saw around me were healthy babies and pregnancies when I’d lost mine. I had a lot of self blame even though there was nothing I could’ve done to save my son. Now, I’m sitting in the same chair just so grateful to be here and to be pregnant. I’m also nervous, but I hunk I’ll be nervous the entire time. Last time I didn’t think anything bad could possibly happen, but now I know differently.
May 22, 2018:
The midwife appointment went well yesterday. I saw Dee this time and her calm and kind nature out this worried mama at ease. She said baby and I seem healthy and that everything is going well so far. The woman in the lab was great and we were chatting about how this baby, due on January 20th, will be an Aquarius and not a Capricorn like me. When she went to insert the needle to take my blood, it hurt some and I was breathing through it. She kept asking if I was okay, and I said yes. Then I looked at her when she was drawing and told her I’m just grateful to be here and be pregnant. And I realized that’s the theme of this pregnancy: grateful. I’m having to learn how to surrender and trust in God and the Universe to lead me down the path meant for me. I keep being reminded of the ancient Chinese story of the mighty oak and the willow tree. A huge storm hit one night. The willow bent with each gust of wind and rain, costing it some branches in the process. The mighty oak refused to bend even a little, even as the winds got harder and harder. The willow urged he oak to bend even a little, bit the oak refused still. When the sun rose, the willow tree was missing a couple of branches but was still standing and okay. The oak, on the other hand, had been uprooted and was laying down in the field. Sometimes surrendering to the storm and bending to forces you can’t control is the wisest choice.
June 4, 2018:
Today is our first ultrasound with this baby and to say I’m a nervous wreck is an understatement. I’m so scared, but I’m trying to remember I have no control over whether or not my baby is alive and well. I’ve done all that I can on my end: sleeping a lot, eating, drinking lots of water, and keeping my stress levels relatively low. Everything else is in the hands of God and the universe. This pregnancy never ceases to amaze me in the way it’s constantly teaching me about surrender and faith. My nature is to control everything, the unknown is scary and control helps ease that fear. With pregnancy, especially this one, I am aware of the fact that I have ZERO control. My mind went wonky after Sayre died. I wanted to die, to go with my son and protect him in the afterlife as I never got the opportunity to in life. I’m scared that this baby will be dead already and that my mind will completely fracture. I’m scared I’ll actually kill myself if it happens again.
Reading these hurts me so deeply. I had so much hope and fear and, despite my best efforts, my worst fears are what came to pass.